I have never seen Brokeback Mountain, which Kathy Griffin once jokingly referred to as “Bareback Mountain”, because I don’t like movies with a sad ending. I read too much beautiful Adam met Eve then happily ever after fairytales as a child, so I fantasize a romantic unrealistic love all the time. I just want to watch an Adam met Steve then happily ever after movie.

However, I watched the Brokeback Mountain Sex scene on YouTube coz I’m horny. But I have to say this; it is the most hideous sex scene I have ever seen in my whole life. As a porn loving gay, I say even porn looks more romantic than that. I think the problem is that the sex scene is too straight, well; the director Ang Lee is straight, so apparently, this is how straight people fantasize gay sex. I suggest that they should hire Chichi LaRue to direct the sex scene part.

Chichi LaRue is so fabulous, and I know those un-mainstream porn makers are making fun of her only producing “condom commercial”. And let me just say this to those who think bareback sex is cool, please see this video: “ WRAP IT UP”, Chichi LaRue said that. It’s always too late to regret when you catch something you don’t want.

If the movie is running low on budget, they also can hire ME to direct this sex scene. I decide to make the sex scene last 25 minutes long. It starts off Ennis and Jack starring each other’s eyes, then kiss, then French kiss (close-up of their tongues). This part 1 should last 3 minutes. Part 2 (3 minutes): Ennis slowly undresses Jack completely and start to lick all over Jack’s body while undressing himself. Part 3: Jack blows Ennis for 3 minutes. Part 4: Ennis blows Jack for 3 minutes. Part 5: Ennis and Jack blow each other in 69-position for 3 minutes. Part 6: Ennis fucks Jack slowly, and I want a close up of Jack’s face when he first got penetrated. That face would be priceless since the gays all want Gyllenhaal now. This part should last 3 minutes. Part 7: Ennis fucks Jack HARD, and I want them to moan as loud as possible. Another 3 minutes. Part 8: Ennis and Jack jerking off together and eventually cum, and I want Zak Spears style moaning. Another 3 minutes. Part 9: the last one minute, Ennis and Jack hold each other naked in bed, kissing and then fall asleep.

Very typical gay porn routine, but I guarantee all the gays and horny straight women would go for it, and I’ll do another cut version for other straight people. Too bad my directing dream will never come true since Heath passed away recently, and hope he rest in peace in a better place. This post is dedicated to him.

And of course Chinese government banned showing Brokeback Mountain in public, but the way we Chinese watch movie are bootleg DVD and internet downloading. There is no one faster than Chinese bootleg CD/DVD businessman. I also saw a debate on Chinese TV channel “should government ban the movie shown in public cinema?” First, the debate is meaningless coz we all voted on internet and 90% people said government should NOT ban. And later on we even had a vote on internet showing that 70% of people support gay marriage.

Anyway, the TV channel has to have something to bitch about. Of course, there will be one conservative dude and one liberal dude to spice up the show. But catfight like Rosie vs Hasselbeck never happen on Chinese TV and this is why I love American TV coz I LOVE catfights. The reasons the conservative dude support the ban are fucking hilarious, I really think he has mental retardation third degree.

Reason one: the movie is too slow, so he didn’t like it. (Please send a complaint to Ang Lee)

Reason two: the gays didn’t use condom to promote safe sex. (Listen y’all actors, while you are performing sex scene, remember let the camera guy give you a close-up of wrapping a condom on your dick in order to promote safe sex. No matter the story happened in Queen Elizabeth era or year 3000. And it doesn’t matter if you are Catholic and the Pope is against using condom.)

Reason three: Ennis cheated on his wife with Jack. Thus this movie was telling the audience to cheat on their partners with a same-sex lover. (I was speechless when these words came out of his mouth, this dude was totally brainless.)

OMG, I just realized Kathy Griffin wasn’t joking, Brokeback Mountain IS BAREBACK! They didn’t have condoms in the 60s.

So today the cutie of the day is yummy Chris Evans. We all know that the Fantastic Four movies are boring, but as long as it has Chris Evans shirtless scene, it’s going to sell.